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The Worst Spam Ever!

Part 6...

Continued from Part 5...

The next two spams are among my personal favorites.  Imagine my surprise at receiving not one, but TWO spams, at 2 minutes apart, from two different people who claim to be "Chartered Auditor / Senior Official and a decision taking member of the Projects Control Commission " in the Ivory Coast!  The first, was sent at "Wed 12/11/02 10:22 AM":

FROM:DONALD EFE OTARU.
WPCC SECRETARIAT ANNEXE
ABIDJAN
DECEMBER 11, 2002.
Greeting to you. I am a Chartered Auditor. I am also a Senior Official and a decision taking member of the Projects Control Commission By virtue of this Position and present opportunity, I require your assistance if you will consent, to assist me in diverting a sizeable amount of money into a foreign account. I have cleverly mapped out a failproof plan to enable us transfer about $12,000,000 (Twelve Million U.S.Dollars) into a foreign account and same can not be traced to you by any Government, should they decide to probe. Your share for assisting me will be 10%, and please be assured that you do not face any risks at all, as all Ministries and Parastatals here, have tremendous Respect for foreign Contractors and Investors, besides I shall legitimately register you here as a Contractor and afterwards arrange to withdraw your file as soon as the funds have been deposited in your account. I intend to travel down to meet with you ahead of the Funds to discuss investment plans and other viable Businesses that you may suggest, as I believe that I Can trust you. Please, furnish me with your current telephone Number. I would also give you mine if you so request so that I can familiarize you with details of why I chose to have you assist me.
Sincere Regards,
DONALD EFE OTARU

Then the second sent at "Wed 12/11/02 10:24 AM":

FROM:GREG EDAFE
WPCC SECRETARIAT ANNEXE
ABIDJAN
DECEMBER 11, 2002.
Greeting to you. I am a Chartered Auditor. I am also a Senior Official and a decision taking member of the Projects Control Commission By virtue of this Position and present opportunity, I require your assistance if you will consent, to assist me in diverting a sizeable amount of money into a foreign account. I have cleverly mapped out a failproof plan to enable us transfer about $12,000,000 (Twelve Million U.S.Dollars) into a foreign account and same can not be traced to you by any Government, should they decide to probe. Your share for assisting me will be 10%, and please be assured that you do not face any risks at all, as all Ministries and Parastatals here, have tremendous Respect for foreign Contractors and Investors, besides I shall legitimately register you here as a Contractor and afterwards arrange to withdraw your file as soon as the funds have been deposited in your account. I intend to travel down to meet with you ahead of the Funds to discuss investment plans and other viable Businesses that you may suggest, as I believe that I Can trust you. Please, furnish me with your current telephone Number. I would also give you mine if you so request so that I can familiarize you with details of why I chose to have you assist me.
Sincere Regards,
GREG EDAFE

Wow!  What are the odds that two different auditors would compose the exact same worded e-mail at exactly the same time from two different e-mail addresses?  It's almost as if they cut and pasted from the same source...  And a measly 10% of $12 million each means another $2.4 million to me, bringing my total up to $623.3 million!

Then on December 12, 2002, I got an e-mail from "fostar mamar" who said his name was "Fostar Jaman":

Mr.Fostar Jaman.
PHONE:(XXX)-XXXXXXXXX,
FAX :(XXX)-XXXXXXXXX

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

(URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL)

RE: TRANSFER OF ($26,000.000.00 USD}
TWENTY SIX MILLION DOLLARS

Dear Sir,

We want to transfer to overseas account
($26,000.000.00 USD) Twenty six million United States
Dollars) from a Prime Bank here in South Africa, I
want to ask you, If you are not capable to quietly
look for a reliable and honest person who will be
capable and fit to provide either an existing bank
account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to
receive this money, even an empty a/c can serve to
receive this money, as long as you will remain honest
to me till the end for this important business
trusting in you and believing in God that you will
never let me down either now or in future.

I am the Auditor General of one of the prime banks
here in South Africa, during the course of our
auditing,I discovered a floating fund in an account
opened in the bank in 1996 and since 1998 nobody has
operated on this account again,after going through
some old files in the records I discovered that the
owner of the account died without a [Heir/WILL] hence
the money is floating and if I do not remit this money
out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing. The
owner of this account is PEDRO F. HASLER a foreigner,
a great industrialist and he died since 1998.No other
person knows about this account or any thing
concerning it, the account has no other beneficiary
and my investigation proved to me as well that until
his death he was the manager GOLD ARK [pty]. SA.

We will start the first transfer with Six million
[$6,000.000] upon successful transaction without any
disappoint from your side, we shall re-apply for the
payment of the remaining rest amount to your account.

The total amount involve is Twenty six million United
States Dollars only [$26,000.000.00]. I want to first
transfer $6,000.000.00 [Six million United States
Dollar] from this money into a safe foreigners account
abroad before the rest. But I don't know any
foreigner, I am only contacting you as a foreigner
because this money can not be approved to a local
person here, without valid international foreign
passport, but can only be approved to any foreigner
with valid international passport or drivers
license and foreign a/c because the money is in US
dollars and the former owner of the a/c is a
foreigner too, and the money can only be approved into
a foreign a/c.

However, we will sign a binding agreement, to bind us
together when we meet face to face after the first
transfer of $6 Million before transferring the second
part of $20 Million. I am revealing this to you with
believe in God that you will never let me down in this
business, you are the first and the only person that I
am contacting for this business, so please reply
urgently so that I will inform you the next step to
take urgently. Send also your private telephone and
fax number including the full details of the account
to be used for the deposit.

I want us to meet face to face to build confidence and
to sign a binding agreement that will bind us together
immediately after the first transfer before we fly to
your country for withdrawal, sharing and investments.

I need your full co-operation to make this work fine
because the management is ready to approve this
payment to any foreigner who has correct information
of this account, which I will give to you upon your
positive response and once I am convinced that you are
capable and will meet up with instruction of a key
bank official who is deeply involved with me in this
business. I need your strong assurance that you will
never, never let me down.

With my influence and my position in the bank the bank
official can transfer this money to any foreigner's
reliable account that you can provide with assurance
that this money will be intact pending our physical
arrival in your country for sharing. The bank official
Will destroy all documents of transaction immediately
we receive this money leaving no trace to any place
and to build confidence you can call me for heart to
heart discussion through my private satellite phone
which I secured for the security and safety of this
business as you know that this business is
confidential.I will use my position and influence to
obtain all legal approvals for onward transfer of this
money to your account with appropriate clearance from
the relevant ministries and foreign exchange
departments.

At the conclusion of this business, you will be given
35% of the total amount, 60% will be for me, while 5%
will be for expenses both parties might have incurred
during the process of transferring.

I look forward to your earliest reply through my email
address.

Yours truly,

Fostar Jaman.

Huh?  I thought this guy said "you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business " but yet someone sent in this exact same spam as part of the Nigerian Spam Scam Contest!  What - a spammer lie?  Still, 35% of $6 million means my total promised stands at $625.4 million.

On December 14, 2002, I got an e-mail from the son of the late President Kabila:

 (Urgent Assistance)

ATTN:

Kindly allow me the modesty of introducing myself. I am PERRES KABILA the son of the former head of state/ president of Congo-Kinshasha (then called Zaire) Mr. Laurent Desire Kabila. I am contacting you in order to ask for your assistance on this confidential Business proposal with full financial benefit for both
of us.

Before I go into further details please be informed that I am writing without any other person(s) pre-knowledge of my contacting you on this transaction. Therefore I will appreciate same attitude to be maintained all through.

I have the sum of USD55Million from a secret sale of Diamond by my father before he was assassinated by one of his body guard (Rashid) on January 16th 2001, which I will like you to receive on my behalf due to security reasons,as my narration below will explain. But before I continue be well informed that your share in this transaction has been calculated at 15% of the total sum of USD$55M, 5% for expenses and the rest for my family and me.

My father as a real African traditionalist was a polygamist thereby having married so many wives, and my mother being the second wife of my father, My step brother Joseph, who is the current president of my country, is the son of the first wife and he does not have any knowledge about this deal.

Already president Joseph is using his power to colonize all the money and private property, which my father left behind for the whole family. Now my mother and I are left with nothing in the inheritance of my late father's wealth. Our situation is seriously critical that we need your assistance to help us receive these funds overseas for proper investment.

Let me quickly assure you the 100% safe proof of this transaction because the diamond sales are packaged from the onset in a pattern that shows no direct trace or linkage with us (Kabila family). At present the money is in cash and is secured in a financial institution company as consignment.

The consignment will be released within seven (7) days of my being in receipt of your reply via my email address above only for security reasons.

I am waiting for your swift and favorable response, and in case you have any question(s), do not hesitate to contact me.

Best Regards,

PERRES KABILA.

He must have e-mailed me since his mom had no luck a week earlier - and I noticed that now, he is offering money.  15% of $55 million makes my total $633.7 million promised!

On December 19, 2002, I received this spam TWICE:

12 Nnamdi Azikiwe
Street,
Idumota, Lagos.
CONTACT ME: markobi@[different].com
markobi1@[different].com
Dear Sir/madam

I hope this meets you in good health. My name is
MARK OBI and I am a petroleum consultant for
President Olusegun Obasanjo in Nigeria. I took your
contact information from what I consider a very good
source.


I am requesting your cooperation for immediate
acceptance into your bank account of my US$40Million.
I set this amount aside from payments made to the
Ghana, which I supervised until the operations were
stopped last Month.

All that has to do with this fund is decent, morally
sound and legal. But it is in United States Dollars,
which attracts undue attention especially when it is
connected with someone in and around Government.

Kindly reply as soon as possible so you can receive all
the details and the amount into your bank account. I am
sure the transfer will be made to your bank within 3
days. When the funds are in your account, I shall allow that
you keep 25% (twenty five percent of the US$40M)
for your personal account while the rest will be left
for me in your account until I can take over control in
a short time.

We shall sign a formal partnership agreement and I can
also make available my detailed profile and photographs
to assure you of my honesty and good faith. I await
your urgent reply. Contact me through my alternative EMAIL:
markobi@[different].com
markobi1@[different].com


Yours sincerely,
MARK OBI

PLEASE SEND TO ME THE FOLLOWING FOR THE TRANSACTION.
1,TELEPHONE NUMBER
2,FAX NUMBER

The interesting thing about this one is that the "amount aside from payments made to the Ghana" was "in United States Dollars, which attracts undue attention" - why did money from Nigeria to Ghana all get transacted in US dollars?  Things that make you go "hmmmmm..."  25% of $40 million makes my total now $643.7 million!

And on December 29, 2002, I received an e-mail (again TWICE) from a captain with the Nigerian Customs Services with the subject "compliments":

CAPT.IDRIS BELLO

NIGERIAN CUSTOMS SERVICES
HEADQUATER TINCAN ISLAND LAGOS
FAX.XXX-X-XXXXXXX


REQUEST FOR BUSINESS TRANSACTION
DEAR SIR,

MY NAME IS CAPT.IDRIS BELLO I AM THE AREA CONTROLLER
OF THE NIGERIAN CUSTOMS AND EXCISE ZONE ĎAí WITH
HEADQUATERS IN LAGOS. I REQUIRE URGENTLY, YOUR
ASSISTANCE IN PROVIDING ME A SAFE AND RELIABLE BANK
ACCOUNT.

MY DEPARTMENT MADE WONDERFUL REVENUE YIELD LAST
QUARTER AND EXCEEDED GOVERNMENT BUDGETED TARGET OF U.S
$1OO MILLION.
THIS SUCCCESS WAS POSSIBLE DUE TO THE AGGRESSIVE
REVENUE STRATEGIES EMPLOYED BY MY DEPARTMENT IN
DEALING WITH SMUGGLERS AND IMPORTERS ALIKE, AT THE END
OF THE LAST QUARTER WHICH HAS JUST ENDED. I AS THE
OFFICER IN-CHARGE OF REVENUE WITH MY COLLEAGUES IN
CHARGE OF CENTRAL ADMINISTRATION DECIDED TO DECLARE
ONLY, U.S $60 MILLION AND HAVE SINCE PAID SAME INTO
GOVERNMENT TREAUSRY LEAVING BEHIND A TOTAL SUM OF
U.S.$4O.6M, WHICH WE STATUTORILY SET ASIDE FOR REFUND
TO IMPORTERS WHO WERE CHARGED EXCESS DUTIES WHICH IS
IN LINE WITH THE ENABLING LAWS ESTABLISHING THE
CUSTOMS SERVICES IN NIGERIA WHICH ALLOWS REFUND TO
IMPORTERS PRESUMED TO HAVE BEEN CHARGED EXCESS DUTIES.

PLEASE SHOULD YOU BE WILLING TO ASSIST, WE REQUIRE YOU
TO SEND AN APPLICATION FOR REFUND OF EXCESS DUTY
AMOUNTING TO U.S $40.6M (FOURTY MILLION SIX HUNDRED
THOUSAND USD) TO MY OFFICE OR FORWARD A BLANK SHEET OF
YOUR COMPANYíS LETTER-HEAD PAPERS TO ME FOR THAT
PURPOSE AND ALSO ENCLOSE THE DETAILS OF YOUR BANK
WHERE THE REFUND WILL BE LODGED, I WLL THEREFORE
AUTHORIZE MY OFFICE TO PAY YOUR COMPANY THE SAID
AMOUNT UNDER THE GUISE THAT YOUR COMPANY WAS CHARGED
EXCESS DUTY BY MY DEPARTMENT, AND WITHIN SEVEN(7)
BANKING DAYS,TO BE PRECISE.THE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED
INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT BY TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER.
MEANWHILE MY COLLEAGUES AND I HAVE AGREED THAT 30% OF
THE MONEY WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU FOR USING YOUR ACCOUNT
AND YOUR UNRESERVED ASSISTANCE.

I HAVE PUT IN RESOURCES AND TIME TO BRING THIS
TRANSACTION TO THIS STAGE WHICH MEANS THAT, IT
REPRESENTS A LOT TO ME, AND HOPEFULLY IN JUST A MATTER
OF ONE WEEK, IT SHALL COME TO MEAN A LOT TO YOU TOO AS
WE MEET IN YOUR COUNTRY SOON AFTER THE TRANSFER.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID OF ANY RISK BECAUSE WE HAVE
CONCLUDED EVERY ARRANGEMENT TO SAFEGUARD YOU IN THIS
TRANSACTION. BUT AT THE SAME TIME WE WOULD NOT LIKE
YOU TO PUBLICISE IT FOR OUR SAFETY.

THEREFORE IF YOU WISH TO ASSIST US, HASTEN UP AND SEND
THE ABOVE DOCUMENTS TO US IMMEDIATELY,OR CALL ME ON
MY DIRECT HAND TEL;XXX-XXXXXXXXXX.

LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR EARLIEST REPLY.

BEST REGARDS,

CAPT.IDRIS BELLO

But what this had to do with "compliments" I have no idea!  Captain Bello made this money from "AGGRESSIVE REVENUE STRATEGIES EMPLOYED BY MY DEPARTMENT IN DEALING WITH SMUGGLERS AND IMPORTERS ALIKE" - perhaps he could help give some advice to the Department of Homeland Security to help recover some of the money spent on the bomb-sniffing equipment?  30% of $40.6 million makes my total $655.9 million! 

On January 2, 2003, I received a spam claiming to be from the second wife of the late President Kabila:

ATTN;ceo/md


DEAR,

I am very much interested to enter into a mutual
business relationship with you, after going through your profile yesterday.
I am Madam Maria Kabila, the second wife of the late
President of Democratic Republic of Congo, Laurent
Desire kabila who was assassinated on January 16th
2001, by one of his security aides.
I am under severe pressure from this present military
government headed by the first son of my late husband,
General Joseph Kabila who felt victimized due to the
incessant family problems between his biological
mother and I .He has seized all the deposited funds
registered under my care by my late husband, through
the help of his friend who is the Governor of Central Bank of Congo.
However, I have USD30m (Thirty Million United States Dollars only)
currently
in a coded security company vault overseas, which I now
intend to use to establish a profitable business
venture a abroad to enable me and my family start life
all over again. As a result, I am urgently in need of
a very reliable investor participant who is not know
as my associate, that I could entrust with the PIN and
Certificate of Deposit to help me remove the fund
since no name were used in securing the vault. I
cannot successfully claim it myself as the government
starlight is still on my immediate family, hence I crave your assistance.
You will in addition bank and assist me in investing
(with my lawyers approval on project) as a front until
the situation becomes more favourable for us to now
meet and discuss the way forward.
Finally, more details on the logistics and modalities
of the transaction will be given to you on my
receiving your acceptance letter. I do not need to
remind you of the absolute secrecy and confidentiality
that this transaction demands. Reply, through Email address is ideal.
Best regards,

Madam M. Kabila

Wait a minute - this woman says she is "Madam Marie Kabila" and she is the second wife of President Kabila.  But on December 7, 2002, I received a spam from "Madam Florence Kabila" in which she says she is the second wife of President Kabila!  Get your story straight, spammers!  But the extra $30 million makes my new total $685.9 million promised by these jokers!

On January 20, 2003, I received a spam simply from "Sarah":

From: Mrs. Sarah Rowland

PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD.
I am the above named person from Malaysia. I am
married to Dr.Alan Rowland who worked with Malaysia
embassy in South Africa for nine years before he died
in the year 2000.
We were married for eleven years without a child. He
died after a brief
illness that lasted for only four days. Before his
death we were both born again Christians.Since his
death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside
my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.When my
late husband was alive he deposited the sum
of$27.6Million (twenty-seven Million six hundred
thousand U.S. Dollars) with one West-Falia
finance/security company in London United Kingdom.
Presently, this money is still with the Security
Company. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not
last for the next three months due to cancer problem.
Though what disturbs me most is my stroke
. Having known my condition I decided to donate this
fund to church or
better still a christian individual that will utilize
this money the
way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church
that will use this to fund churches, orphanages and
widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that
the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to
understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.
I took this decision because I donít have any child
that will inherit
this money and my husband relatives are not Christians
and I donít want
my husbandís hard earned money to be misused by
unbelievers. I donít
want a situation where this money will be used in an
ungodly manner.
Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am
not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I
know that I am going to be in the bossom of the Lord.
Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case
and I shall hold my peace. I donít need any telephone
communication in this regard because of my health
because of the presence of my husbandís relatives
around me always. I donít want them to know about this
development. With God all things are possible. As soon
as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact
of the West-Falia Finance/Security Company in United
Kingdom . I will also issue you a letter of authority
that will empower you as the original- beneficiary of
this fund. I want you and the church to always pray
for me because the lord is my shephard. My happiness
is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever
that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit
and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your
life.
any delay in your reply will give me room in
sourcing for a church or christian individual for this
same purpose. Please assure me that you will act
accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to hearing from
you.

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Sarah Rowland.

Hmmm - where to begin?  Okay, "I want a church that will use this to fund ... widows propagating the word of God" - widows?  It just struck me as odd.  Then there is "unbelievers" - I guess that would be me, because I don't believe for a moment that you are a woman, a Malaysian, or a widow - especially when the headers showed the origin of the spam as ... you guessed it, "COMMUNICATION TREND NIG. LTD" in good old Ikeja, Lagos, Nigeria...   And then there is "I donít want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. " Damn, I was going to go blow it on gambling and beer...  Oh, well.  Still, the promise of another $27.6 million gives me... $713.5 million!

Also on January 20, 2003, I received a spam from Chief Ben Osagie:

SUBJECT:  Request for Urgent Business Relationship.

Dear sir/Madam

I AM CHIEF BEN OSAGIE, THE DIRECTOR OF BROWNAMAJ
ALUMINIUM ENGINEERING COMPANY, WEST AFRICA,BUYER AND
SELLER OF ALUMINUIM SLIDING DOORS AND WINDOWS ,OFFICE PARTITIONING AND
CASHIER CUBICLES e.t.c SIR, A CONTRACT OF $60,000,000 (SIXTY MILLION
DOLLAS)
WAS AWARDED TO ME TO INSTALL ALUMINIUM SLIDING
WINDOWS AND DOORS IN SAN PEDRO (A CONTRACT OF THE WORLD) BANK PROJECT
AND THE MONEY WILL BE PAID INTO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT , OF
WHICH I DONT HAVE BECAUSE I HAVE NOT DONE AN INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS
BEFORE
BEEN A FRIEND TO THE PRESENT ADMINISTRATION (THA STATE GOVERNOR)
THIS CONTRACT WAS AWARDED TO ME AND I DONT HAVE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT
THIS IS WHY I WANT YOU TO ASISST ME SO THAT THIS MONEY CAN BE PAID
INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AND PART OF THIS MONEY WILL BE USED TO BUY ALUMINNIUM
PROFILE AND ACCESSORIES FROM YOUR COMPANY , I ALSO WANT
TO INVEST MY PROFIT THROUGH YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY AND I WILL CONPENSATE
YOU FOR
YOUR HELP, I WANT THIS BUSINESS
TO BE DONE BY YOU AND ME .

I WANT YOU TO SEND ME A REPLY MAIL AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL.

YOUR S FAITHFULLY

CHIEF BEN OSAGIE

Dude, what's with the run-on sentence?!  In all that, and there is only one period?  How about you use that $60 million to buy some periods?  Oh, and buy a new CAPS LOCK while you are at it!  Still, he promised me $60 million more!

Then, minutes later, I received a second spam from Chief Ben Osagie:

SUBJECT:  URGENT BUSINESS RESPONE ASSISTENT

Dear Sir/Madam

First I must solicit your confidence in this
transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being
utterly confidential and top secret. We shall be
counting on your ability and reliability to prosecute
a transaction of great magnitude involving a pending
business transaction requiring maximum confidence.

We are top officials of the Federal Government
Contract Review Panel who are interested in
importation of goods into our country with funds
which are presently trapped in Nigeria. In order to
commence this business we solicit your assistance to
enable us RECIEVE the said trapped funds ABROAD.

The source of this fund is as follows : During the
regime of our late head of state, Gen. Sani Abacha,
the government officials set up companies and awarded
themselves contracts which were grossly over-invoiced
in various Ministries. The NEW CIVILIAN Government
set up a Contract Review Panel (C.R.P) and we have
identified a lot of inflated contract funds which
are presently floating in the Central Bank of Nigeria
(C.B.N). However, due to our position as civil
servants and members of this panel, we cannot
acquire this money in our names. I have therefore,
been delegated as a matter of trust by my colleagues
of the panel to look for an Overseas partner INTO
whose ACCOUNT the sum of US$31,000,000.00 (Thirty one
Million United States Dollars) WILL BE PAID BY
TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER. Hence we are writing you this
letter.

We have agreed to share the money thus: 70% for us
(the officials) 20% for the FOREIGN PARTNER (you)
10% to be used in settling taxation and all local and
foreign expenses. It is from this 70% that we wish
to commence the importation business. Please note
that this transaction is 100% safe and we hope that
the funds arrive your account in latest ten (10)
banking days from the date of reciept of the
following information by email: A suitable name and
bank account into which the funds can be paid.

The above information will enable us write letters of
claim and job description respectively. This way we
will use your company's name to apply for payments
and re-award the contract in your company name.

We are looking forward to doing business with you and
solicit your confidentiality in this transaction.
For security reasons and in order to move forward
quickly, please respond to me via the above email
address so I can bring You into the complete picture
of this pending project.

The best response however, would be via telephone
call which i will provide as soon as you indicate
your willingness to commence.

Yours Faithfully,

CHIEF BEN OSAGIE

WTF?  So what is it - are you a "DIRECTOR OF BROWNAMAJ ALUMINIUM ENGINEERING COMPANY" or a "top officials of the Federal Government Contract Review Panel"?  I really don't care, but here's some advice - it might be more effective if you picked a story and stick with it; one or the other, but you can't be both.  But I am glad that this spammer fixed the CAPS LOCK key and also used some periods.  Perhaps that is where the missing $29 million went, as he first offered me $60 million, but this time only offered me $31 million!  I'll take the larger amount, which makes my total $773.5 million!

Then, a few minutes later, Chief Ben Osagie resent me the first spam again!  So, I was justified in taking credit for the full $60 million.  This time, however, the subject was "URGENT BUSINESS RESPONE".  Hey, chief, stop sending me e-mails!

On January 24, 2003, I received this spam:

SUBJECT:  SOLICITING FOR BUSINESS

You may be surprise to receive this letter from me,since you dont know
me personally,I am ANTHONY RUPANGO The son of DR.
CHRISTOPHER RUPANGO, Who was recently killed in the land
reform dispute in Zimbabwe. I got your contact as i was searching for a
reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business
which involve the claiming and transfering of fund into a foreign account
for safe keeping and further investment.

My father was among the few black Zimbabwean opposition party rich
farmers who were against President Robert Mugabe's land reform
policies against the white farmers in Zimbabwe.For his alleged support
and sympathy for the Zimbabwean opposition party controlled by the
white minority farmers.Before my father was killed,he was a successful
farmer in support of his white colleagues .He had taken to South Africa
and deposited the sum of twelve million five hundred thousand united
state dollars (US$12.5million) with a security/finance company as he
forseen the looming danger in zimbabwe. This is to avoid it been
confiscated by President Robert Mugabe and ruling party.This money
was allocated for the purchase of new machinery and chemical product
for Agro-allied farms and for establishment of new farms in lesotho and
swaziland.This land problems arose when President Robert mugabe
introduced a new land act that wholly affected the rich white
farmers.Some blacks vehemently condemned the "modus operandi"
adopted by the government. This result to rampant killings and mob
action by the war veterans and some political thugs,precisely more than
three thousand( 3,000) people have so far been killed.Heads of
government from the west, especially Britain and United States have
voice their condemnation of Mugabe's plans.
Currently,the money has been transfer to Europe via diplomatic
process,due to current escalation of the problem in Zimbabwe to avoid
it been confiscated.Hence,South Africa Development Community
(S.A.D.C) has continously supported Mugabe's new land act.This is
the reason why we decided to transfer this fund to Europe and flee out
of the South Africa where we were living since this problem started to
another neighbouring country in Africa.I am faced with the dilemma of
keeping and investing of this money in whole of Africa for fear of
encountering the same experience in the future or confiscation of all that
belong to my family by these African leaders.Since all countries in
Africa have almost the same political tie.
Hence,my family and i are currently on excile in a neighbouring country
in Africa.
Well,all i demand from you is to be our representative/beneficiary to
make claim of this fund,which is currently deposited in the security
company's custody in Europe.I will also inform you that a transaction of
this magnitude is risk free and or mutual benefit.For your assistance of
claiming and safeguarding the money,we are offering you 20% of the
sum ,75% for me and my family, while 5% will be mapped out for any
expenses that we may incurre during this transaction.We wish to offer
you 20% of annual turnover of any investment you wish to invest this
money when it finally gets into your propose account,for a period of ten
consecutive years.
Finally, i will demand for assurance that you will not sit on the money
when it gets to your personal account or company's account, If this
proposal is accepted please confirm your interest by sending me an
email and providing your full name,address, tel and fax numbers to
enable me introduce you to the security company in Europe
where the money is currently deposited as my beneficiary/partner.
Thanks.
Anthony Rupango
Contact email: anru-pan@spinfinder.com

Wow, what a sad story.  What is sadder is the terrible grammar.  Why don't you use some of that money to go to school and learn how to write properly? Oh, well, this makes my total promised $776 million!

Then, minutes later, I received a spam from jimmy ani:

SUBJECT:  your assistance please

No 7 PARK AVENUE,
G.R.A, ENUGU.
ENUGU STATE.


{VERY URGENT BUSINESS TRANSACTION}
GREETINGS

IN ORDER TO TRANSFER OUT (USD 26 MILLION DOLLARS)
FROM OUR BANK. I HAVE THE COURAGE TO ASK YOU TO LOOK FOR
A RELIABLE AND HONEST PERSON WHO WILL BE CAPABLE FOR
THIS IMPORTANT BUSINESS BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL
NEVER LET ME DOWN EITHER NOW OR IN FUTURE.

I AM MR.JIMMY ANI, THE EASTERN DISTRICT BANK
MANAGER OF UNITED AFRICA BANK PLC. (UAB). THERE
IS AN ACCOUNT OPENED IN THIS BANK IN 1980 AND SINCE
1990 NOBODY HAS OPERATED ON THIS ACCOUNT AGAIN. AFTER
GOING THROUGH SOME OLD FILES IN THE RECORDS I DISCOVERED
THAT IF I DO NOT REMITT THIS MONEY OUT URGENTLY IT
WILL BE FORFEITED FOR NOTHING.

THE OWNER OF THIS ACCOUNT IS MR. SMITH B. ANDREAS, A
FOREIGNER, AND THE MANAGER OF PETRO - TECHNICAL
SUPPORT SERVICES, A CHEMICAL ENGINEER BY PROFESSION
AND HE DIED SINCE 1990. NO OTHER PERSON KNOWS ABOUT
THIS ACCOUNT OR ANY THING CONCERNING IT, THE ACCOUNT
HAS NO OTHER BENEFICIARY AND MY INVESTIGATION PROVED
TO ME AS WELL THAT THIS COMPANY DOES NOT KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT AND THE AMOUNT INVOLVED IS
(USD 26 MILLION DOLLARS).

I WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY INTO
A SAFE FOREIGNERS ACCOUNT ABROAD BUT I DON'T KNOW ANY
FOREIGNER, I AM ONLY CONTACTING YOU AS A FOREIGNER
BECAUSE THIS MONEY CAN NOT BE APPROVED TO A LOCAL
BANK HERE, BUT CAN ONLY BE APPROVED TO ANY FOREIGN
ACCOUNT BECAUSE THE MONEY IS IN US DOLLARS AND THE FORMER
OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT IS MR. SMITH B. ANDREAS IS A
FOREIGNER TOO.

I KNOW THAT THIS MASSAGE WILL COME
TO YOU AS A SURPRISE AS WE DON'T KNOW OUR SELVES
BEFORE, BUT BE SURE THAT IT IS REAL AND A GENUINE
BUSINESS. I ONLY GOT YOUR CONTACT ADDRESS FROM THE
COMPUTER ,WITH BELIEVE IN GOD THAT YOU WILL NEVER
LET ME DOWN IN THIS BUSINESS YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON
THAT I HAVE CONTACTED IN THIS BUSINESS, SO PLEASE
REPLY URGENTLY SO THAT I WILL INFORM YOU THE NEXT
STEP TO TAKE URGENTLY.

I WANT US TO SEE FACE TO FACE OR SIGN A BINDING
AGREEMENT TO BIND US TOGETHER SO THAT YOU CAN
RECIEVE THIS MONEY INTO A FORIEGN ACCOUNT OR ANY ACCOUNT OF
YOUR CHOICE WHERE THE FUND WILL BE REMMITTED.AND I
WILL FLY TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR WITHDRAWAL AND SHARING
AND OTHER INVESTMENTS.

I AM CONTACTING YOU BECAUSE OF THE NEED TO INVOLVE A
FOREIGNER WITH FOREIGN ACCOUNT AND FOREIGN
BENEFICIARY. I NEED YOUR CO-OPERATION TO MAKE THIS
WORK FINE. BECAUSE THE MANAGEMENT IS READY TO
APPROVE THIS PAYMENT TO ANY FOREIGNER WHO HAS CORRECT
INFORMATION OF THIS ACCOUNT, WHICH I WILL GIVE TO
YOU LATER IMMEDIATELY, IF YOU ARE ABLE AND WITH
CAPABILITY TO HANDLE SUCH AMOUNT IN STRICT CONFIDENCE AND TRUST
ACCORDING TO MY INSTRUCTIONS AND ADVICE FOR OUR
MUTUAL BENEFIT BECAUSE THIS OPPORTUNITY WILL NEVER COME
AGAIN IN MY LIFE. A NEED TRUTHFUL PERSON IN THIS BUSINESS
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO MAKE MISTAKE I NEED YOUR
STRONG ASSURANCE AND TRUST.

WITH MY POSITION NOW IN THE OFFICE I CAN TRANSFER
THIS MONEY TO ANY FOREIGNERS RELIABLE ACCOUNT WHICH YOU
CAN PROVIDE WITH ASSURANCE THAT THIS MONEY WILL BE
INTACT PENDING MY PHYSICAL ARRIVAL IN YOUR COUNTRY FOR
SHARING. I WILL DESTROY ALL DOCUMENTS OF TRANSACTION
IMMEDIATELY WE RECIEVE THIS MONEY LEAVING NO TRACE
TO ANY PLACE. YOU CAN ALSO COME TO DISCUSS WITH ME FACE
TO FACE AFTER WHICH I WILL MAKE THIS REMITTANCE IN
YOUR PRESENCE AND TWO OF US WILL FLY TO YOUR COUNTRY
AT LEAST TWO DAYS AHEAD OF THE MONEY GOING INTO YOUR
ACCOUNT.

I WILL APPLY FOR ANNUAL LEAVE TO GET VISA
IMMEDIATELY I HEAR FROM YOU THAT YOU ARE READY TO ACT AND
RECEIVE THIS FUND IN YOUR ACCOUNT. I WILL USE MY POSITION
AND INFLUENCE TO EFFECT LEGAL APPROVALS AND ONWARD
TRANSFER OF THIS MONEY TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITH
APPROPRIATE CLEARANCE FORMS OF THE MINISTRIES AND
FOREIGN EXCHANGE DEPARTMENTS.

AT THE CONCLUSION OF THIS BUSINESS, YOU WILL BE
GIVEN 20% OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT, 75% WILL BE FOR ME, WHILE
5% WILL BE FOR EXPENSES BOTH PARTIES MIGHT HAVE INCURED
DURING THE PROCESS OF TRANSFERING.

I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR EARLIEST REPLY BY EMAIL.
YOURS TRULY,

JIMMY ANI.

Well, this story doesn't have any drama.  A foreigner who died?  Is that the best you can do?  What about a car crash or a plane crash - give me something!  If I am going to have to read through this spam, at least make it mildly entertaining!  My total now: $781.2 million.

Then, the next day, I received two spams from Paul Ramon:

SUBJECT:  HELP ME.

DEAR SIR

IT IS WITH TRUST AND CONFIDENCE THAT I MAKE THIS URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL. I AM THE ELDEST SON OF LATE MR RAMON COLE OF
ZIMBABWE. MY FATHER IS ONE THE BEST FARMERS IN MY COUNTRY

DURING HIS LIFETIME. DURING THE LAND-DISPUTES BETWEEN THE
GOVERNMENT AND THE WHITE FARMERS, MANY LIFE AND PROPERTIES WERE LOST. MY FATHER DID NOT SUPPORT THE ACTIONS AND IDEAS OF
PRESIDENT ROBERT -MUGABE, HIS LOYALIST INVADED MY FATHER'S FARM
DESTROYING VALUABLE ITEMS, DURING THIS TIME MY FATHER WAS
KILLED ALONG WITH TWO OTHER MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY WHILE I WAS
AWAY. I MANAGED TO ESCAPE TO LAGOS, IN NIGERIA WHERE I WAS GRANTED ASYLUM IN WEST AFRICA.

MY FATHER WAS A MAN OF BUSINESS FORE-SIGHT, HE SECURED THE SUM OF $9.5 MILLION DOLLARS {NINE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUNSANDS
UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY] WITH A SECURITY COMPANY. PRESENTLY
NOW, ASYLUM SEEKERS ARE NOT PERMITTED BY LAW TO OPERATE AN
ACCOUNT IN NIGERIA, FOR THIS REASONS, I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR A TRUSTED AND RELIABLE FOREIGN PERSONALITY WHO IS WILLING AND
READY TO HELP ME CLAIM THE MONEY WHICH MY LATE FATHER DEPOSITED WITH A SECURITY COMPANY ABROAD AND ALSO TRANSFER THE MONEY OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND
HELP ME TO INVEST JUDICIOUSLY AND ALSO MAKE PROVISION FOR ME TO
COME OVER AND START A NEW LIFE.

I AM WILLING AND READY TO OFFER YOU 20% FOR YOUR EFFORTS AND I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE YOUR PERSONAL TELEPHONE, MOBILE AND FAX NUMBERS FOR EASY COMMUNICATION AND FURTHER ARRANGEMENT.

IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN THIS TRANSACTION, DO NOT
HESITATE TO IGNORE THIS MESSAGE SO AS TO ENABLE ME LOOK FOR
ANOTHER PARTNER.

BEST REGARDS,

PAUL I. RAMON

Hey, Paul, do you know Anthony Rupango?  He is in a similar situation.  I would think that as sons of loyalist Black farmers that you might know each other.  Perhaps you could share notes or go into business together or something. 

And the next day?  Speak of the devil: here is Anthony Rupango again:

SUBJECT:  BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP SOLICITION

You may be surprise to receive this letter from me,since you dont know
me personally,I am ANTHONY RUPANGO The son of DR.
CHRISTOPHER RUPANGO, Who was recently killed in the land
reform dispute in Zimbabwe. I got your contact as i was searching for a
reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business
which involve the claiming and transfering of fund into a foreign account
for safe keeping and further investment.

My father was among the few black Zimbabwean opposition party rich
farmers who were against President Robert Mugabe's land reform
policies against the white farmers in Zimbabwe.For his alleged support
and sympathy for the Zimbabwean opposition party controlled by the
white minority farmers.Before my father was killed,he was a successful
farmer in support of his white colleagues .He had taken to South Africa
and deposited the sum of twelve million five hundred thousand united
state dollars (US$12.5million) with a security/finance company as he
forseen the looming danger in zimbabwe. This is to avoid it been
confiscated by President Robert Mugabe and ruling party.This money
was allocated for the purchase of new machinery and chemical product
for Agro-allied farms and for establishment of new farms in lesotho and
swaziland.This land problems arose when President Robert mugabe
introduced a new land act that wholly affected the rich white
farmers.Some blacks vehemently condemned the "modus operandi"
adopted by the government. This result to rampant killings and mob
action by the war veterans and some political thugs,precisely more than
three thousand( 3,000) people have so far been killed.Heads of
government from the west, especially Britain and United States have
voice their condemnation of Mugabe's plans.
Currently,the money has been transfer to Europe via diplomatic
process,due to current escalation of the problem in Zimbabwe to avoid
it been confiscated.Hence,South Africa Development Community
(S.A.D.C) has continously supported Mugabe's new land act.This is
the reason why we decided to transfer this fund to Europe and flee out
of the South Africa where we were living since this problem started to
another neighbouring country in Africa.I am faced with the dilemma of
keeping and investing of this money in whole of Africa for fear of
encountering the same experience in the future or confiscation of all that
belong to my family by these African leaders.Since all countries in
Africa have almost the same political tie.
Hence,my family and i are currently on excile in a neighbouring country
in Africa.
Well,all i demand from you is to be our representative/beneficiary to
make claim of this fund,which is currently deposited in the security
company's custody in Europe.I will also inform you that a transaction of
this magnitude is risk free and or mutual benefit.For your assistance of
claiming and safeguarding the money,we are offering you 20% of the
sum ,75% for me and my family, while 5% will be mapped out for any
expenses that we may incurre during this transaction.We wish to offer
you 20% of annual turnover of any investment you wish to invest this
money when it finally gets into your propose account,for a period of ten
consecutive years.
Finally, i will demand for assurance that you will not sit on the money
when it gets to your personal account or company's account, If this
proposal is accepted please confirm your interest by sending me an
email and providing your full name,address, tel and fax numbers to
enable me introduce you to the security company in Europe
where the money is currently deposited as my beneficiary/partner.
Thanks.
Anthony Rupango.
Contact email: ru-pango@spinfinder.com

So, Anthony, did you contact Mr. Ramon?  I think you two would have much in common.  And although I don't really know you, I think you two would make such a cute couple...

And the next day, January 27, I got an e-mail from my favorite spammer, "Mrs mariam mobutu sese-seko":

SUBJECT:  URGENT ASSISTANCE

FROM:MRS. M SESE-SEKO
ATTN:
I AM MRS. MARIAM SESE-SEKO WIDOW OF
LATE PRESIDENT MOBUTU SESE-SEKO OF ZAIRE?
NOW KNOWN AS DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO
(DRC).
I AM MOVED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER,
THIS WAS IN CONFIDENCE CONSIDERING MY
PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCE AND SITUATION.
I ESCAPED ALONG WITH MY HUSBAND AND TWO
OF OUR SONS TIMOTHY AND BASHER OUT OF
DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC) TO
ABIDJAN,COTE D'IVOIRE WHERE MY FAMILY
AND I SETTLED, WHILE WE LATER MOVED TO
SETTLED IN MORROCO WHERE MY HUSBAND
LATER DIED OF CANCER DISEASE.
HOWEVER DUE TO THIS SITUATION WE DECIDED
TO CHANGED MOST OF MY HUSBAND'S BILLIONS
OF DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN SWISS BANK AND OTHER
COUNTRIES INTO OTHER FORMS OF MONEY CODED
FOR SAFE PURPOSE BECAUSE THE NEW HEAD OF
STATE OF (DR) MR LAURENT KABILA HAS MADE
ARRANGEMENT WITH THE SWISS GOVERNMENT
AND OTHER EUROPEAN COUNTRIES TO FREEZE
ALL MY LATE HUSBAND'TREASURES DEPOSITED
IN SOME EUROPEAN COUNTRIES. HENCE MY CHILDREN
AND I DECIDED LAYING LOW IN AFRICA TO STUDY
THE SITUATION TILL WHEN THINGS GETS BETTER,
LIKE NOW THAT PRESIDENT KABILA IS DEAD AND
THE SON TAKING OVER(JOSEPH KABILA). ONE OF MY
LATE HUSBAND'S CHATEAUX IN SOUTHERN FRANCE
WAS CONFISCATED BY THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT,
AND AS SUCH I HAD TO CHANGE MY IDENTITY SO
THAT MY INVESTMENT WILL NOT BE TRACED AND
CONFISCATED. I HAVE DEPOSITED THE SUM
OF TWENTY FIVE MLLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS
(US$25,000,000,00.) WITH A SECURITY COMPANY ,
FOR SAFEKEEPING. THE FUNDS ARE SECURITY
CODED TO PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING
THE CONTENT. WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO
INDICATE YOUR INTEREST THAT YOU WILL ASSIST
US BY RECEIVING THE MONEY ON OUR BEHALF IN
EUROPE.
I WANT YOU TO
ASSIST IN INVESTING THIS MONEY, BUT I WILL NOT
WANT MY IDENTITY REVEALED.
I WILL ALSO WANT TO BUY PROPERTIES AND STOCK
IN MULTI-NATIONAL COMPANIES AND TO ENGAGE
IN OTHER SAFE AND NON-SPECULATIVE INVESTMENTS.
MAY I AT THIS POINT EMPHASIS THE HIGH LEVEL OF
CONFIDENTIALITY, WHICH THIS BUSINESS DEMANDS,
AND HOPE YOU WILL NOT BETRAY THE TRUST AND
CONFIDENCE, WHICH I REPOSE IN YOU IN CONCLUSION,
IN THE EVENT YOU ARE INTERESTED TO ASSIST US I WILL
LIKE YOU TO CONTACT MY LAWYER WHO I HAVE STATIONED IN
HOLLAND TO WITHNESS THE TRANSACTION TO IS
CONCLUTION.YOU CAN REACH HIM ON IS DIRECT LINE WHICH
IS +31-630-054-343 OR VIA MAIL
RICHARDGORDON12@REDIFFMAIL.COM HIS NAME IS RICHARD GORDON AND
I HAVE THE FULL TRUST IN HIM.
I SINCERELY WILL APPRECAITE YOUR ACKNOWLEDGMENT AS
SOON AS POSSIBLE.
BEST REGARDS,
MRS M. SESE SEKO.

Mrs. Seko-Seko, it's me, Mike.  You remember me - you have spammed me like about a dozen times before.  How's Basher?  Still 'rad' I hope!  Seeing as you are now looking to invest only $25 million, I can only assume that you have found someone to help you with the other $50 million you previously promised me.  And after dismissing "Mr. Stephens", "Mr. Peters", and "Mr. Edwards", she has now decided to work with "Mr. Gordon" - good luck, Mr. Gordon, you're going to need it! 

And on January 31, I got this spam from umar ahmad:

SUBJECT:  Urgent respond ====

INVESTMENT

Dear Sir

My name is is Dr Dike. T Umar i'm 56years old and i work with Nigerian Petroluem coporation as a purchaseing maneger, over the years i have been able to make some money for myself amounting to $15M USD.

Which i have in a Bank in Europe and presently i plan to retair in the next 3yrs i now write to make an enquire, i can invest with your company since our economy is not strong and i don't want to be probed.

Please indicate your intrest so that i can funish you with the details, this investment will enable me to have some thing to care for myself and my children till when God call me, please if you have any thing i could invest on, please reply to this e-mail box..

Please i want to invest in high profit venture, i'm listening to hear from you .

Regars

Dr Dike. T Umar

Hahahaha!  I'm sorry, but the fact that this guy's name is "Dr. Dike" is freaking hysterical!  Excuse me...  (hahahahahaha!)  Okay, I'm through laughing now.  You know, I am really pissed off.  Why?  Because this "purchaseing maneger" has been able to amass "some money for myself amounting to $15M USD" while obviously not bothering with any of that cumbersome education.  Meanwhile, I have my Master's degree and haven't been able to amass anywhere near that much money.  Perhaps I am in the wrong profession in the wrong country...  Hahahahaha, Dr. Dike - I like that one.  I may have to use that one...

Oh, but it still never ends... The e-mails continue...  (Still laughing about Dr. Dike...)

Continue on to Part 7