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Crazy Things
Have you ever thought to yourself “God,
I’m so boring! I wish I was a bit more of a demented maniac, or something
– just to spice things up a bit, yeah!”
…I haven’t.
People who know me and my friends have
been known to describe us as ‘a little eccentric’, ‘a bit mad’, ‘a few
sandwiches short of a picnic’.
But recently I have had a revelation
about this: Those people were simply being polite. In fact, they were all
lying! We are not eccentric or lacking in sandwiches – we are just completely
insane!
Why did no-one tell us this before?
Were they scared? Maybe they were…
Using examples strictly based on my own
experiences since April 2001, when I met my fellow loonies, I have compiled
instructions in how one may become as familiar with the Craziness as we are.
I will add to my list whenever I think
no-one is watching…
Crazy Things to do if you’re Bored
and/or Crazy.
- Find a number you like (preferably
47) and become obsessed with it.
Don’t worry;
I’ve listed some interesting examples of ‘obsessive behaviour’ to start you off:
- Buy all the t-shirts and items of
clothing you can with that number on it, or, if that fails, go to a t-shirt
printers and get some made. If you prefer, there is always the option of
buying an age badge of your number from any good card/gift shop. If they have
sold out of your number, make your badge out of paper plates and cocktail
sticks.
- Every time you spot your number
(whether on your own or in public) point to it and scream “Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!”
as loud as you can.
- When you go out nightclubbing, steal
a girl friend’s eyeliner pencil and draw that number on your forehead. (Don’t
use your own pencil, if you have one – such extensive use will shorten the
life of you eye-liner for sure.) People may stare
at you – don’t be alarmed if this happens. They are simply amazed by how cool
you look.
- Get the DJs of any pubs you visit
(don’t bother with club DJs – they won’t take you seriously) to announce your
preferred number over the PA system as often as you can. Don’t be
disheartened if continuous harassment of the DJ gets you thrown out of your
local – remember the power of your number, and have faith that the pub
landlord will come round eventually.
- Make an occasion of Halloween. Get a
pumpkin, carve out the shape of your sacred number, and take it with you when
you go out. Remember, you can’t throw away the carved out pumpkin number!
Best keep it in your freezer for all eternity so it’s always there to protect
you from evil.
- Sometimes a nonsensical word, for
instance ‘Toyspens’, can be used in conjunction with your chosen number for
added effect. However, be very careful when deciding on your word or you may
end up accidentally summoning the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse again.
- If someone asks you “Why??” laugh
hysterically and then ignore them for a few days. They’ll soon realise their
mistake.
6/12 -
- Cars are a good method of travel
during insanity trips – pedestrians will not be able to follow you to carry
out any retribution they may feel is necessary.
Remember,
though, it does not pay to commit ‘reportable incidents’. Apparently, some
people are able to read car license plates!
Here are
some suggestions for vehicle fuelled madness:
- First take a tip from those boy
racers – driving round and round and round the busiest parts of town with
all your windows open, and your music blaring as loud as you can get it is
really cool. Good listening material consists of, for example: Big Yellow
Taxi, The Little Mermaid Soundtrack; The Sci Fi Album (Make special use of
the Dr Who Theme, Ghostbusters Theme, and all the Star Trek Themes) and
Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’. With ‘Thriller’ it is important to cackle
loudly along with the insane laugh at the end of the song.
Try
incorporating the use of the Vulcan ‘Live Long and Prosper’ hand sign, whilst
shouting “Spread the Love!!” at people as you drive past them. (Don’t stick
your hand too far out of the car though. One-Handed Jim isn’t called that for
nothing, you know!)
- Buy a One Million Candle power
torch (or stronger, if you can find it), and keep it in your car at all
times. At night it will be your secret weapon (although you will need
passengers for this – never shine and drive at the same time):
- Shine your torch out of the
sunroof. Whilst in motion your vehicle will appear to be being followed by
a mystical beam of light from the night sky! Add to the effect by
occasionally looking upwards with a horrified expression on your face.
- As you pass pedestrians, shine the
torch directly at them, but only briefly. Watch as they look at themselves
in amazement as they glow! Prolonged shining will cause them to spot where
the beam is originating from – watch their expression as they realise they
are not being abducted by aliens, or being selected by God for some higher
purpose, after-all!
(Please
note: miss-aimed torch shining will merely blind your victims, and is not as
much fun. If this happens, remedy the situation by shouting “I’m Randomising
you!!” at them as you pass.)
- Directing the torch at house
windows, to cause the residents to look outside to see what the hell is
going on is considered cruel. Those people might have been asleep! And
what if they’re elderly? Do you want them to have a heart attack and die?
Shame on you!! (The elderly should be excluded from all insanity trips for
just this reason!)
- For safety reasons, I do not
condone the aiming of torches at other car drivers.
10/5 -
3. Invent a crazy dance routine, and a pick a suitable song to
accompany it. (Alien Ant Farm’s version of ‘Smooth Criminal’, for
instance.) Now whenever that particular song comes on, you and your
friends must dance to it, no matter where you are, what the occasion, and
regardless of whether you are drunk or not. This will get you instant
recognition and respect wherever you go.
Be mindful of your chosen routine though – a dance that consists of
frantic wiping of limbs accompanied by the words “NOT GAY! NOT GAY!” will
not go down very well in the local gay bar…
4. The use of inflatable individuals is quite common amongst those
partaking in a stag/hen night or similar. But they can be used for insane
purposes also. The main thing to remember is that your blow-up friend is
more effective if there is no particular reason for him/her to be there.
An inflatable Spiderman with a wig, short skirt and fishnet tights, or a
Gothed-up sex doll, for example, will cause a lot of interest for some
reason - especially if you treat them as if they are ‘just one of the
guys’. Buy them drinks, chat with them, take them for a good mosh to
Rammstein on the dance-floor and generally make them feel loved. Remember:
plastic people have feelings too.
If anyone asks “What’s the occasion?” or wonders why you have brought a
blow-up doll with you, your response should be: “Why shouldn’t he come out
with us – he’s our friend!”
(Note: Take good care of your artificial companion! Jealous people with
cigarettes can be a hazard. And be courteous – it is always polite to
inform your friend about your wish to deflate him before you do so.)
5. Try to make a visit to your local pub more interesting by
swapping personalities with one of your friends for the night.
People you know will take a while to work out what is going on – watch
their confused expressions and laugh at them as if they were idiots.
6. After a night out, it is customary for ordinary members of the
public to become loud and obtrusive. And as a rule, people on an insanity
trip will often get made fun of for being, well … insane. Respond
appropriately: If you are sober enough to think of something crazy to say
that will make them think twice about messing with your ‘homies’, then say
it! It’s your right to be a nut-case!
If, however, you are too inebriated to walk or see, the blowing of a
raspberry in their general direction will suffice. There is no ‘clever’
answer to “Tttthhhhhrrrrrrrruuuuppppppppp!!!!”
7. You may wish perhaps to indulge in your own drunken stupidity at
the end of a piss-up. This is OK, only if you accept the fact that people
will put your insane acts down to you being wasted. For instance, the
thievery of a Macdonalds uniform from a washing line is only made insane
if you put it on over your clothes in the middle of town and proceed to
scream: “DO YOU WANT SOME FUCKING CHIPS WITH THAT??” at passers by.
Remember to be creative – for a practice run, try dancing around a traffic
cone or lamp-post with your friends, holding hands and singing:
“Sometimes I think you’re straight!
Sometimes I think you’re gay!
Sometimes I think you’re bisexual –
I change my mind every day!”
8. Meals at restaurants can be made much more interesting, and more
value for money, if you make use of the leftover food. One way of
achieving this is to create a scene from your favourite film. If, for
instance, you choose the popular Lord of the Rings Trilogy, please note
that roast dinners make a good reconstruction of Middle Earth. However the
size of such a production will require donations from other peoples’
leftovers.
Remember, it is unlikely that you will be able to outdo the special
effects of the film itself, but try to be realistic as you can - Peas make
amazingly accurate Hobbits, whilst the character of Gandalf the Grey would
be much better suited to a gravy covered parsnip.
If you have time, you may wish to animate certain aspects of your finished
masterpiece. Be mindful of other eaters if you choose to bring any
‘flying’ creatures to life…
9. Cinemas are also a convenient source of fun for the
sanity-deficient. All those people watching …watching …WATCHING!!
It is usually not permitted for customers to bring their bags, or own food
into the screen with them. This being the case, take along one whole loaf
of bread in a carrier bag. When the ushers tell you that you are not
allowed bags in with you, surprise them by taking out the loaf of bread,
handing them the bag and walking passed them into the screen.
Next time you go to that same cinema, take with you a carrier bag
containing a box of cereal, carton of milk, a couple of breakfast bowls
and some spoons.
At the end of the film insist on waiting until all the credits have
finished before leaving, and then cackle hysterically at the ‘funny bit’
at the end – even if there isn’t one.
Some ushers will be patient with you, others may not be. Either way they
will all think you are crazy.
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